I'm not the p word

I am a black woman. My parents are middle class. I am going to graduate school to study philosophy. If you don't get the peculiarity of my situation then maybe you are the p word. I used to think that having a major where I am supposed to think about abstractly was privileged. In philosophy we study all type of white people concerns. Is reality truly real? Are there any good arguments for God's existence? These are questions that many black people can't afford to think about.

A lot of black people are pushed into the sciences and business. Because of our income inequality issue, they are coerced into jobs that will enable them to provide for themselves and their family. But also, they are made to define success through a capitalistic american dream lens so they push themselves to have white collar jobs like the white people they see "living the dream." And don't get me started about how HBCU's have played into this. All of you have to do is look at their course requirements and what they specialize in to see how they are pushing our people to live lives like the well to do white men we always hear about.

I am pursuing a road, many black people and many women haven't taken. I am tryna get paid to think. I am tryna get paid to teach people to think. I am tryna be a "professional philosopher". I used to pity all of the people, smarter than me, more capable than me, and black and woman like me, who didn't have the opportunity to do what I am doing. But I've come to realize that I was wrong. (gasp, see daddy i can admit that i'm wrong sometimes;))

I'm not fucking privileged for fucking wanting to think about the "big questions" I am not privileged for doing so. Everyone should have access to the books that I have access to. Everyone should have the time to read and think and write and learn and practice autonomy. I've been conditioned to believe that because this was a task too expensive for black people that I was privileged to be able to do it. Despite the 60,000 that I have to pay in student loans, I thought that because it was a task that was mostly exclusive to white men, that I should be beyond grateful that I am able to do it. It's crazy how they trick you to think the most basic human rights aren't rights; but privileges.