an autopilot type of love

We are to take 3 classes each semester. That is what it means to be a full-time grad student. In each class, we are assigned to read 100-400 pages worth of material a week. Each week, I read what I can, think of something insightful to say about it in class, and try and form an understanding of the material if I have time. I do the same thing all over again the next week. And the next. And the next.

They keep trying to download all this wonderful information into me. I’m thankful for the wisdom I’ve accrued from consuming the reading materials but I’ve had no time to process it.

And I’m tired.

My mama told me today that life ain’t just about school. I gotta take care of myself, my health.

When am I gon find time to do that?

I gotta read this 400-page book by tomorrow. On Tuesday I have to read about 100 pages for the class I attend that day, on Wednesday I gotta wake up early to read about 200 pages for the class I attend on Wednesday. I gotta teach. Gotta put food in my belly and pay my rent so I gotta teach on Thursday and Friday. I gotta read for that too, make sure I can explain what I read to my students. Money has been tight so I got another job. Gotta complete the work for that so I can make my mullah. It’s Friday now and I’m exhausted. If I don’t take a day off I will break down mentally. Learned that via experience. I take a day off on Saturday, do a little work on Sunday. It’s Monday now and I got 300 pages to read for class that day.

Did I mention that I was tired?

What have I learned? I know I’ve learned some truly beautiful things but it’s all a blur. I don’t remember much of what I did yesterday. What class did I take yesterday anyways? What did we talk about in class again? If I didn’t take my notes, how would I know?

Lord, what are they making me into?

I am so happy and blessed, that I get to learn all that I am. What I learn will be beneficial to me, my plans to do good work for the Lord’s people (all people). And yet I wonder, what are they making me into?

Life not supposed to be this way. Life not supposed to be a blur. Wisdom ain’t something to be consumed. It’s something you sit with. It’s something you supposed to have time to think about. Ain’t it?

But what would that entail? What would an academy that allowed you to sit with wisdom look like? How you gon create an institution like that and still push people to read the many necessary materials?

My confusion about these unanswered questions, my need for a paycheck, and a desire to learn all I can so that I can help the Lord’s people keep me going.

Being on autopilot and loving the work I do keeps me going.


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